Alison's Insights

Making Sense of Addiction Recovery in Midlife One Slow Deep Breath at a Time

Old Wounds

When I’m in my most vulnerable state, I go emotionally hysterical in silence.

Somewhere between the first sign of emotional weakness to the inevitable fall into complete inability for rationale thinking, I forget. I forget the work I’ve done to rise above the past. I forget the steps forward I took to uncover the woman I was meant to be. I forget everything and return to believing people in my life who taught me they’d never be who I wish they could be, would be.

This is the process of opening and allowing old wounds to hurt me.

Reopening wounds only to bleed the old blood of years gone by is like a reoccurring nightmare. No matter the thoughts left in my mind at the end of the day, that eerie deja vu returns in my slumber, causing restless nights and sudden awakenings soaked in emotional sweat.

Years have gone by with unspoken, desperate whispers of hope that those who have never heard my cries some how will. I silently pray to their heart saying, “Maybe this time. Maybe this time you’ll somehow become the person I wish you could be.”

Expectedly, yet none-the-less sadly, those childlike whispers and prayers always leave me hurt; left with nothing more than a reminder as to why I’m right back to losing what I never had to begin with.

This exact set of circumstances happened once again this week. My sponsor told me she knows I may never get beyond wishing for what I’ll never receive from the people who would otherwise be those clinging to support me.  I’m so grateful she continues to be right here, ready and willing to pick up my emotional pieces. I need to know this because right now there’s no guarantee I’ll ever stop wishing and bleeding.

So now, once again, I search for the salve to heal my wounds. Yet this time I’m realizing something I may have known but never truly felt in my soul. Right in front of me are many unconditionally loving people offering what those others have never been able to.

In this moment of clarity I feel truly blessed to be watched over by the souls who have gone before me. They’ve led me to the people who will fill the gaping emotional holes I’ve needed my whole life.

For as long as it takes, I will continue on my way to finding peace and perhaps one day, forgiveness; not only for those who I allow to hurt my heart, but for myself.


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