Alison's Insights

Making Sense of Addiction Recovery in Midlife One Slow Deep Breath at a Time

Being In The Middle

I was born a middle child and over time, bought into all I read and heard about being one.  Either I wasn’t living up to the accomplishments of someone or not nearly as delightful and special as another.

Or so I thought.

I felt being in the middle was like that of playing on a see-saw.  I’d either be pathetically down, feeling “less than” or on top of it all, feeling profoundly phenomenal, but never feeling comfortable in the middle.  I lived in constant anticipation, waiting to see which direction the world would veer me toward.

And so it was with this perception I moved through life.  I was either the bell of the ball or the talk of the town (and I don’t mean that in a positive way).

Eventually the energy it took to be on this proverbial see-saw took its toll.  I needed to release my tight grip on life and I found a way to do it.  I poured one more glass of wine and ate one less meal.  It was there, in the incidious haze of alcohol and anorexia, I somehow felt I was OK with the world.  No one around me thought so, but I didn’t notice.   Nor did I care.

In that state of mind, I didn’t care anymore what others thought and felt relieved for that.  I was finally able to find a place where I didn’t have to feel pitiful or empowered.  I felt numb and in that numbness I finally felt OK.

It was only a matter of time before this self-destructive answer to feeling “less than” or “greater than” led me to the rooms of recovery.

It was there I heard, for the very first time, I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore.

While it took some time and action steps, I slowly began to love me for being me, not the person I thought everyone wanted me to be.

As my perceptions shifted and my outlook became clearer, I stopped trying to live the life I thought other people wanted me to live.

You have no idea how peaceful that feels.  I no longer dwell on whether or not I have the newest car, the best house on the block, the biggest paycheck, being a failure for not having children or uncomfortable when my husband tells me he loves me for being me.

Today I’m free from those self-imposed pressures to fit in because I already do.  And it’s not based on what I do.

Yep, being in the middle is just where I need to be and I’m eternally grateful to have finally figured that out.

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One thought on “Being In The Middle

  1. I appreciate your honesty in sharing yourself! Thanks for being a light in the world.

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