Being In The Middle
I was born a middle child and over time, bought into all I read and heard about being one. Either I wasn’t living up to the accomplishments of someone or not nearly as delightful and special as another.
Or so I thought.
I felt being in the middle was like that of playing on a see-saw. I’d either be pathetically down, feeling “less than” or on top of it all, feeling profoundly phenomenal, but never feeling comfortable in the middle. I lived in constant anticipation, waiting to see which direction the world would veer me toward.
And so it was with this perception I moved through life. I was either the bell of the ball or the talk of the town (and I don’t mean that in a positive way).
Eventually the energy it took to be on this proverbial see-saw took its toll. I needed to release my tight grip on life and I found a way to do it. I poured one more glass of wine and ate one less meal. It was there, in the incidious haze of alcohol and anorexia, I somehow felt I was OK with the world. No one around me thought so, but I didn’t notice. Nor did I care.
In that state of mind, I didn’t care anymore what others thought and felt relieved for that. I was finally able to find a place where I didn’t have to feel pitiful or empowered. I felt numb and in that numbness I finally felt OK.
It was only a matter of time before this self-destructive answer to feeling “less than” or “greater than” led me to the rooms of recovery.
It was there I heard, for the very first time, I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore.
While it took some time and action steps, I slowly began to love me for being me, not the person I thought everyone wanted me to be.
As my perceptions shifted and my outlook became clearer, I stopped trying to live the life I thought other people wanted me to live.
You have no idea how peaceful that feels. I no longer dwell on whether or not I have the newest car, the best house on the block, the biggest paycheck, being a failure for not having children or uncomfortable when my husband tells me he loves me for being me.
Today I’m free from those self-imposed pressures to fit in because I already do. And it’s not based on what I do.
Yep, being in the middle is just where I need to be and I’m eternally grateful to have finally figured that out.