The Last Word
Getting “high” can come from many different kinds of resources, yet why we strive for it is the same. It is a desperate attempt to satisfy some unattended emotional need and/or the desire to be in control.
Before finding my way into recovery, my primary “drugs of choice” were alcohol and having my hip bones stick out (among several other tell-tale signs of being too thin).
Yet now that I’ve had a few 24 hours of continuous sobriety, I find there other, not so subtle, ways to feel high which can be equally unhealthy and addictive.
Like the need to be right.
For example, I used to be the queen of having the last word in an argument. As a matter of fact, it would not have been unlike me to call someone back or re-enter a room just to have my words be the final thing said. Yep, I told them … or did I?
I know this need to be in control was one of the main catalysts of my addictive life. I’d be lying if I said I’m completely rid of the desire, but at least I’m aware of it and can watch for it. However, if I’m feeling tired or particularly vulnerable, like a snake in the grass, I don’t see it creeping up and if I’m not careful, damage is done in an instant.
In my life today, there are times I’ve felt tremendously satisfied in knowing I was right. The difference being, my need to let other know about it is gone. I know now that no one really cares except me. As a matter of fact, whoever I chose to tell of my conquest typically experiences this as my being rather egotistical and annoying. Did not know that then, but I sure do now!
Yet if it’s one of those ready-to-bust moments when I want to scream, “I knew it!” I call my sponsor. She’ll give me that 5 minutes to bask in the glory but she’s quick to say, “OK, we’re done with that now, let’s move on.”
Guess she has the last word on that one, but with such sage advice, I’ll let her have it.